-Norman Vincent Peale
When you google the word "self-esteem", there are over 41,000,000 hits. Clearly, this is a construct our society, more specifically American culture, deems priceless. There is a perceived correlation between providing praise, and increased self-esteem. As a country, we have erroneously identified self-esteem as the vehicle to success in life. It is no longer fashionable to consequence, or punish, because a child's self-esteem may become permanently unraveled. These notions continue to permeate our parenting, education, and overall value system.
Expectations
Basic childhood expectations have historically included completing homework, demonstrating respect towards adults, treating other children with kindness, and displaying good sportsmanship. Let us start with homework. Today, most would agree that children get homework much earlier in their school experience than previous generations. It's a bummer; however, homework today can be simply completed, of poor quality, and turned in weeks or months after the due date. If you work hard, and complete assignments in a timely manner, you can receive the same grade as classmates who once would have been called "slackers". Parents fight diligently within the arena of education to protect their child's self-esteem. According the The Narcissism Epidemic, the number of self-reported A students have increased 83% since the 1970's. When there are no expectations, everyone can be a high achieving student. Next, let us combine respect and kindness into one category. It is virtually impossible to send home a disciplinary notice regarding an incident involving a teacher or student, without parental backlash. Even though my child called Mr. Smith a vulgar name, he's already struggling so much with his self-esteem, I'm worried the detention will be too much. In addition, Mr. Smith isn't making my child feel very special, so how do we expect him to respect the teacher? On the flip side, if your child is a victim of a rude comment from another peer or adult, his self-esteem is just crushed; thus, the other child or adult should receive a very harsh punishment. The message we inadvertently send to our children is that our own self-esteem is of utmost importance, but you can treat other people however you would deem fit. Finally, participating in athletics has become a cesspool of low-bar expectations. Because we don't want anyone to have low self esteem, everyone gets a trophy. I only wish that had been the case in my youth, as my entire bedroom would have been filled (not really, as I'm proud of the ones I earned). In addition to this notion that we are all winners, competitive teams are now filled with A through Z team, ensuring everyone can participate on a team, play, and feel successful. If no one gets cut, and everyone wins, we can all be athletes! It will be a very sad day when your child turns 18 and learns he doesn't actually have the skills to be drafted by the NHL! Whether we expect a lot, or nothing, one of the two will most likely result.
Motivation
I will never question that motivation is a very complex construct. It is cultivated from previous experience, potential success, level of interest, perceived value, and outcome. The relationship between self-esteem and motivation is tricky. Parents, teachers, and myself, often echo that children who are unmotivated, must have low self-esteem! Yes, in cases of significant mental health challenges, like severe depression or anxiety, this may ring true; however, in looking at your run of the mill, unmotivated children, I think not. We have taught children, from the earliest of ages, that it
is important to have high self-esteem, and that feeling good about yourself is paramount. Children advance through school retaking tests to earn the grade they "deserve", arguing with coaches for more playing time despite going skiing in lieu of practice, and regardless of having no prior work experience, demand more than minimum wage. Children's high self-esteem creates a mind set that they are an exception, not the rule, which leads to entitlement. Entitlement negates motivation, as it supports instant gratification and the expectation that good fortune should simply be bestowed upon you.
Perseverance
I use the word perseverance interchangeably with grit and resilience. These words, in my mind, generally mean the ability to keep going when things are really tough. This construct is intricately related to self-esteem and motivation. Here's how: When children have inflated self-esteem, they develop an aura of entitlement, negating the need for motivation; thus, preventing the natural conditions under which perseverance develops. We see this when adults provide multiple chances, create athletic experiences in which everyone can participate, continue to endorse grade inflation, and fight our children's battles. In our attempt to ensure that children continue to have high self-esteem, we deprive them of the very experiences necessary to transform them into successful adults. Disappointment, adversity, and challenge are the catalysts of perseverance. Just think, if children didn't fall of their bikes, swallow a bunch of water in the pool, or walk around with continuously untied shoes, they would never have learned these skills. Most children are successful because they fail, keep trying, and are driven by a desire for mastery and social acceptance. Adults have the power to foster perseverance in a multitude of arenas including athletics, school, music, and art, but it must include a momentary dip in self-esteem in order to gain a lifetime of functional skills.
**To learn how to combat the self-esteem movement, and create healthy, community oriented, engage children, stay tuned.**
No comments:
Post a Comment