"This above all; to thine own self be true."
-William Shakespeare
If you spend some time with little kids, you will discover they all want to be professional athletes, astronauts, video game designers, or President. Speak with these kids again, in 4th or 5th grade, and their answers have changed. They are more realistic about their strengths and limitations; thus, some dreams no longer seems plausible. In addition, kids realize that talents vary between individuals, and we are not all created equally. As kids begin to compare themselves to others, their self-confidence will inevitably encounter peeks and valleys. Here are some things to consider to help your kids stay true to themselves:
Big fish or little fish?
If who you surround yourself with defines you, then there are two choices: The A team or B team. In everyday life, this manifests itself in the classes we choose, friendship groups, and extracurricular activities. For example, selecting an advanced placement course, in lieu of honors, will likely present more challenging material and consist of higher achieving students. It is flattering to be included in an elite group of students, but it may involve sacrifice, and a willingness to be viewed as just average relative to your peers. On the other hand, enrolling in an honors class still demonstrates academic prowess, and perhaps within that student population, they will look to you as a leader. This also remains true when considering extracurricular activities. The moral of this example is two fold: how you are perceived shifts depending on your environment and what may be deemed best does not always equate with "best fit".
Compared to who?
In life, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, funnier, or more popular. This is a fact. By 3rd grade, kids begin to notice their skills and attributes relative to their peers. As the years progress, it results in decreased self-confidence and a focus on what they cannot do. When you're chronically defeated because your friend earned a higher test grade, or the soccer coach picked a different captain, you will never be able to celebrate personal success. Often, while we are reaching one goal, our minds are already onto the next desired accomplishment. This precludes us from celebrating all that we have done. For example, your are a sophomore in high school and asked to play on the varsity water polo team. While this is a prestigious opportunity, you notice that other teammates get significantly more playing time. You become fixated on playing time, and quite jealous of those player who are starting. In reality, you've taken a very big accomplishment, which likely represented years of hard work, and dismissed it. Try to be proud of your talents, instead of wasting energy on resenting the gifts of others.
Who am I trying to impress?
So often we make choices to participate in activities, classes, or hang out with certain groups, because we have been told that this reflects our life goals. You may skip going to a party to study for an AP Biology exam, because this is what is required to attend the best college. You play for Chicago Fire Premiere Soccer Club, because that program provides the best opportunities. You joined student council because the group who graduated all went on to attend elite universities. Take a step back. Are you killing yourself to manage all of this? There are some kids who were born to be on top, as if the rigor of competition seems to only enhance their skills. This is the 1%! Challenge yourself, but don't set the stage for failure and disappointment. Even if you exhaust yourself, someone will always have more accolades; however, not everyone can make the choice to create an environment which promotes their self-confidence and success.
What's the end game?
When the day finally arrives, and you have graduated high school, what are you hoping will be the culmination of your efforts? Attending an elite university? Leaving a legacy in the school's athletics, theater, or music program? Being recognized for your volunteerism and social service? Developing incredible bonds with life long friends? The choices we make everyday should help us get one step closer to achieving our goal. For example, if playing baseball is central to your identity, and you would like to play at the collegiate level, then perhaps the time commitment prevents you from taking an AP class. On the other hand, if your goal is to be accepted directly into a prestigious business school, then maybe it is worth taking the advanced math class, and cutting back on your social obligations. The bottom line: make choices that get you closer to your goal, not that of your friend, teammate, or significant other.
Big fish or little fish?
If who you surround yourself with defines you, then there are two choices: The A team or B team. In everyday life, this manifests itself in the classes we choose, friendship groups, and extracurricular activities. For example, selecting an advanced placement course, in lieu of honors, will likely present more challenging material and consist of higher achieving students. It is flattering to be included in an elite group of students, but it may involve sacrifice, and a willingness to be viewed as just average relative to your peers. On the other hand, enrolling in an honors class still demonstrates academic prowess, and perhaps within that student population, they will look to you as a leader. This also remains true when considering extracurricular activities. The moral of this example is two fold: how you are perceived shifts depending on your environment and what may be deemed best does not always equate with "best fit".
Compared to who?
In life, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, funnier, or more popular. This is a fact. By 3rd grade, kids begin to notice their skills and attributes relative to their peers. As the years progress, it results in decreased self-confidence and a focus on what they cannot do. When you're chronically defeated because your friend earned a higher test grade, or the soccer coach picked a different captain, you will never be able to celebrate personal success. Often, while we are reaching one goal, our minds are already onto the next desired accomplishment. This precludes us from celebrating all that we have done. For example, your are a sophomore in high school and asked to play on the varsity water polo team. While this is a prestigious opportunity, you notice that other teammates get significantly more playing time. You become fixated on playing time, and quite jealous of those player who are starting. In reality, you've taken a very big accomplishment, which likely represented years of hard work, and dismissed it. Try to be proud of your talents, instead of wasting energy on resenting the gifts of others.
Who am I trying to impress?
So often we make choices to participate in activities, classes, or hang out with certain groups, because we have been told that this reflects our life goals. You may skip going to a party to study for an AP Biology exam, because this is what is required to attend the best college. You play for Chicago Fire Premiere Soccer Club, because that program provides the best opportunities. You joined student council because the group who graduated all went on to attend elite universities. Take a step back. Are you killing yourself to manage all of this? There are some kids who were born to be on top, as if the rigor of competition seems to only enhance their skills. This is the 1%! Challenge yourself, but don't set the stage for failure and disappointment. Even if you exhaust yourself, someone will always have more accolades; however, not everyone can make the choice to create an environment which promotes their self-confidence and success.
What's the end game?
When the day finally arrives, and you have graduated high school, what are you hoping will be the culmination of your efforts? Attending an elite university? Leaving a legacy in the school's athletics, theater, or music program? Being recognized for your volunteerism and social service? Developing incredible bonds with life long friends? The choices we make everyday should help us get one step closer to achieving our goal. For example, if playing baseball is central to your identity, and you would like to play at the collegiate level, then perhaps the time commitment prevents you from taking an AP class. On the other hand, if your goal is to be accepted directly into a prestigious business school, then maybe it is worth taking the advanced math class, and cutting back on your social obligations. The bottom line: make choices that get you closer to your goal, not that of your friend, teammate, or significant other.
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