On Becoming A Parent: Following My Own Advice, Or Not?

"Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them."

-P.J. O'Rourke

As I officially enter "maternity leave", with one week until my scheduled c-section, I think the influx of hormones may be hitting very hard. Some of this I've chalked up to having too much time on my hands! Regardless, I write this from my couch, worrying: Is the baby moving enough? Will I actually know if I'm in labor (I've heard a resounding "YES")? What will I do with the dog if I go early? Will my husband know to take an Uber and not use Divvy?  Then I step back, and I think, all of this worry and I'm not even officially a parent.

My little guy is going to come out, and after a few days, my husband and I shall make the terrifying trip home. I will be so consumed with making sure his physical needs are met, only to then become fixated on developmental milestones like smiling, sitting up, crawling, walking, and talking. With every passing day, I will have less control over who this little being will grow up to be.  Sure, I can teach the values that are important to me, like compassion, integrity, humor, and generosity, but he will enter this world with a temperament and personality all his own (we are praying daily that it reflects my husband, as life would be much easier).  There is no book, or google search, that can prepare you for this.

Over the last decade, I've worked with hundreds of parents and children. I've seen amazing parents with very challenging children. It is so easy to see a child melting down, screaming, refusing, lying, or being ungrateful, only to judge their parenting skills, and momentarily think how you would never allow your child to behave in such a disgraceful manner.  I think we would all agree that there are permissive parents who need assistance to instill firmer boundaries and consequences; however, there are some really, really strong willed, highly emotional, dysregulated kiddos who entered the world like this, and we are required to love them anyway. So, instead of passing judgment, take a moment to be thankful for some of the parenting obstacles that perhaps you've been spared.  As I enter the world of parenthood, the nagging questions in the back of my mind continue to be:  Will the advice I've offered over the years prove to be worth following?  Without being a parent, can you really understand the challenges presented in that role?

The advice I've always stood by:

• Children are not an extension of us, rather their own unique beings
• Love children for who they are, not what you hoped they would be
• Discipline with compassion, as your love & approval is all they want
• You will disappoint each other over and over again
• Small steps are the catalyst for great leaps
• Character is more important than academic achievement
• Never give up

"The more people have studied different methods of bringing up children the more they have come to the conclusion that what good mothers and fathers instinctively feel like doing for their babies is the best after all."

                                                                                  -Benjamin Spock