I just wish they would understand the value of a dollar.
I just wish they would turn in their homework.
I just wish they would put as much energy into their school work as socializing.
I just wish they understood how much of our time and energy their athletics and activities require.
I just wish they would be respectful at home, even though I am grateful they are at school.
I just wish they would make their bed, pick up dirty clothes off the floor, and clear the dinner table.
I just wish they......
I work with a lot kids and parents. I meet wonderful kids, who are polite, helpful, respectful and perform quite poorly in school. I meet wonderful kids who are polite, helpful, respectful, and who perform fine academically, but are described as "out of control" at home. Finally, I meet wonderful kids who are rude, unmotivated, display little respect, and are this way at school and home. Yes, you read that sentence correctly, I used the adjective wonderful. Why? Because, behind all of these undesirable behaviors is typically a kid who is struggling in some way, shape, or form, and begging for our help (though it feels as if they reject it at every opportunity).
Here is the million dollar question: How do you raise a son or daughter who is respectful, motivated, empathetic, and resilient? ( In layman's terms, liked by teachers and peers, respectful, academically successful, and able to problem-solve independently...)
While I meet a lot of wonderful kids, I also meet a lot of wonderful parents who are trying their best, and nothing seems to get better. I've come to learn that even when parents try their best, it is not always enough. We don't parent in a vacuum, rather our skills are mediated by financial resources, stress, work, family support, and health, just to name a few! After a decade of working with families from all different walks of life, these are the ingredients I feel provide a solid foundation for healthy child development. Be advised, this is not a longitudinal study based on operationalized definitions of specific behaviors, with controlled variables, and placebos. These are just reflections, thoughts, and feelings that have developed through the years.
Family Values
Does your son/daughter know what your family believes? If you have ever read the book Wonder, what is your family's precept? How do you live it? How do you expect your children to live it at home, school & in the community? Do you live it at home, for your children to see? Do you talk about it as a family?
Unconditional Love (For Real)
When babies are born, they are perfect. You already have so many hopes and dreams for their futures. Unfortunately, babies become real people with their own thoughts, feelings, and dreams. Sometimes the athletic, gregarious, popular son you hoped for is actually a member of the math team, extremely shy, and has a couple of close friends. Love him anyway. Your very bright daughter, who could excel at all things academic, decides that getting straight B-'s, being popular, and cheerleading is a much better way to live her life. Love her anyway. Sometimes the most difficult part of parenting is letting go of our own hopes/dreams, and letting our children find theirs', even when the road seems crooked and misleading.
Struggle + Learning=Life (Eventually)
In a graduate school class more than a decade ago, a woman said that when she saw her son, it was if her heart was walking outside her body. I was 22 years old, and have never forgotten this statement. When I see parents continuously protecting and rescuing their children, it is always in the back of my mind. Growing up is tough, but so is life! If you never know defeat, then how will you experience victory? If you never experience sadness, how will you know happiness? If you never lose a friend, how will you learn what it takes to keep one? If you never have to work hard and fail, how will you learn perseverance? If you are never a victim, how will you learn to stand up for yourself and others? The heart is a vital organ, it gets bruised and battered over the course of a lifetime, yet miraculously keeps on beating. The scars it carries is the google map of childhood.
Leadership
Whether children grow up in a one, or two parent house hold, it needs to be evident who is in charge. Duties include creating structure, setting limits, providing privileges, and enforcing consequences. Being consistent in all of these areas is probably one of the toughest, if not the toughest, parts of being a parent. Our ability to be present, and effective, is impacted by so many other factors. Regardless, kids need to know that your word means something, so that they learn their's does too. Kids will push, you will stand your ground, and they will push more, let them being disappointed. It builds character. Often parents are told that they need to show some "tough love", but isn't love tough enough when asked to support kids through their mistakes, tantrums, and defiance? One of the greatest challenges of loving kids through their most difficult periods, is providing the right amount of empathy and consequence. It is not only important to remember that the consequence should fit the crime, but to have perspective on the crime, and the degree that it deviates from your family values. Does getting a C- on a test warrant the same wrath as seeing that your son/daughter wrote hurtful text messages to a fellow classmate? Kids are watching all the time, hanging on your every action and word, so make sure they are sincere, loving, and fair. Being President of the United States is a very stressful job; however, it pales in comparison to being a parent in the 21st century!
I leave you with a final thought, best summed up by a prolific, child-centered, and renowned author.
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, Nothing is going to get better. It's not."
-Dr. Seuss
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