When Kids Say "I'm Not Going To School"!

"Being in control of your life and having realistic expectations about your day-to-day challenges are the keys to stress management, which is perhaps the most important ingredient to living a happy, healthy and rewarding life."

-Marilu Henner

As someone who works in public education, there is a growing number of children who evidence behaviors associated with school refusal.  Sometimes there are signs along the way, like headaches, stomachaches, or fatigue, but often it can be very abrupt. This is a  very serious problem. It can quickly spiral out of control, and requires immediate intervention.

There are a multitude of reasons that children want to stay home. Family stressors, such as divorce, job loss, domestic violence, financial strain, and mental illness, can make going to school a great challenge. On the other hand, school, in itself, can also be a stressor.  Common concerns include being overwhelmed by the amount of work, peer conflict, performance fears, and social anxiety. The reality of all these stressors is that they will likely always be there. It is our job, as adults, to help children develop coping strategies to maneuver through these obstacles, instead of avoiding. When children are small, we can pick them up, drag them, toss them into the car, and get them into school kicking and screaming. Unfortunately, children grow up, and just like avoidance cannot be their only coping skill, physical intervention cannot be an adult's only strategy.

If children are refusing to go to school, it is imperative to identify the underlying reasons. Hopefully, they can share their concerns with a parent. If not, parents will need to contact a Psychologist or Social Worker, who can help facilitate a conversation to identify their fears. Contact the school immediately, as it is imperative to communicate school refusal behavior with the appropriate personnel such as the Social Worker, Guidance Counselor, and/or Principal.  Parents will need to work with these staff members to devise a plan for maintaining attendance.  Including children in this process is critical.  For many children, starting with a half day seems like a reasonable, and attainable, goal.  Often, these students will check in with the counseling staff, sharing their concerns and daily goals. For some children, they also like to end their day in this manner. After about a week, children should be gradually increasing their time at school, and begin to be fully integrated. Teachers and parents should be monitoring work completion, homework, and other potential stressors as children are focusing on their attendance. In many situations, students will only be responsible for the work assigned in the classes attended. Even as they become more secure, it will be critical to continue having a dialogue regarding their behavior at school and home.

In some cases, coordinating with the school, and allowing children to be a part of the process, may not be sufficient. If children are unwilling to attend school, even when these interventions are  put in place, it may be appropriate to pursue possible hospitalization or a hospital day program.  This would be an extreme intervention for parents who are unable to get their children to school.